*Boys suck*

Boys just straight up suck! I've noticed there are several types of guys in my life and all of them make me so mad I could spit. So here is a guide to the "Men of M'kaaylie":

1. "the creep"- There are several guys that DO like me, I know they do. The only problem is that they are total creepers. They only hang out with me to get with me; they don't actually want to be my friend. These guys are usually on complete opposites of the spectrum. Either they're extremely peter priesthood boys that don't know how to act around girls so they're ridiculously awkward and don't know how to have any fun. Or they're bad boys who drink and smoke and swear and just want to get in my pants...

2. "the flirt"- These guys will be sweet and funny and flirty with me for a little bit. A part of me thinks they might like me and it might be worth a shot, until I see that they're just like that to everyone. They usually aren't interested in girls or dating or a relationship or just something along those lines with anyone. Boys categorized as flirts are what first introduced me to my most common hang out place these days: the "friend zone".  Not only do they not like me right now, I'm not even a viable dating option anymore. This really sucks with "the flirt" because this type of guy is usually sweet and funny and a lot of the great things that I look for in a guy.

3. "the dude"- To a lot of guys I don't think I'm seen as a girl. I have a lot of masculine tendencies and I like a lot of the same crap that guys do. I don't specifically like them and they don't like me, we're just friends. I'm viewed as "one of the guys", "not dateable", "a dude". I don't really mind "the dudes" who are just my friends, but sometimes I wish I was more than just that. I want to be that pretty, funny, tough, sensitive, pathetic girl that guys like. Every once in a while I want to be the girl that guys go to their "friend zoned" gal friends to talk about, instead of being stuck in that "friend zone" all the time myself helping guys with their chicks. I wish I could even be given a chance as an option.

4. "the possibility"- This category of boy is very similar to "the flirt" except there's a deeper connection. "The possibility" refers to guys that I've known for a bit, we've hung out, we know each other and we click. We'll tease and flirt and joke and we've got each others back. They become one of my very good friends and I've usually started developing at least a small dose of feelings for him. In my mind I can see a glimpse of hope at the idea that there might be even a possibility of us getting together. Only problem is that the favor is, like, never returned. Here we have what is called the "best friend zone" or even worse, the "sister zone". Once you've been sister zoned, you're screwed; trust me, I know... It usually all starts when my "possibility" starts asking for advice about another girl; that's when you know you're toast.

5. "the dream"- Oh boy, the dream... what to make of the dream? As everyone that knows me knows, I get crushes on lots of guys. "the dream" is only referring to major major crushes. The ones that last for more than just a couple weeks or even just a couple months. No, I'm talking about the guys that I've had a hard time thinking straight around since August, June, September 2010, even December 2008. These are the guys I would date in a heartbeat. They're strong in the church, funny, dorky, musical, goofy but mature, and attractive both physically (to me) and emotionally. They have sweet personalities that make me want to melt. They are as happy and confident as I am and are also not afraid to show it or to share it! The only problem is that these "dream boys" are just that... dreams... they don't acknowledge me, they don't hang out with me, most of the time I don't think they notice me; I'm just another member of the band or face in the ward; nothing special.

6. "the gay"- This last category seems kind of unnecessary and self explanatory, like it goes without saying. Well, just my luck, I've run into the situation on a number of occasions where I'll hang out with a guy and the traits resemble very closely to that of "the flirt". There's only one problem: turns out we bat for the same team! My heart is crushed as I find out that my crush and I have crushed on the same person before... nothing weird about that... But seriously, when does that happen?! And on multiple occasions too! It's just ridiculous! But that's just my luck...

So, as you can see, no matter what type of guy a boy is in my life, they suck balls... hard...

Bieber Fever

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't care what anyone else says, I love Justin Bieber! He's cute as I'll get out! He's got such an amazing voice that makes me want to melt! He's so sweet! He's only 2 years younger than me! and on top of everything else, I'm allowed to have my own freakin opinion!!!!!!!!

Everyone always gives me crap because I don't follow the crowd. When Hannah Montana came out I liked her too until she turned into a slut. All my friends were constantly dissing me when I would sing her songs or say that I liked her, then when I stopped liking her because she turned into a skank, everyone else started to like her and they thought I was weird for not liking her. Now I like the Biebs and I'm always getting teased for it. I don't see the big deal, everyone has different tastes. I don't tell my friends they're freaks because they listen to their annoying heavy rock, screamo, sexual, devil worshiping or whatever music. Please tell me if I'm missing something; I thought individuality was a good thing, I thought we were suppose to have our own thoughts and opinions, and I thought being different was what so many are striving for. So I'm the bad one because I ACTUALLY achieved it? Why am I lame because my opinions and interests aren't as rough or vulgar as the general consensus? I think that's a good thing.

So to anyone that wants to give me crap because I like a cute young singer with a good voice that sings fun, clean songs with a beat that I like, get over yourselves! Seriously, I'm sure you've got plenty of better stuff to be doing with your time than picking on my for being unique.


I love you Justin <3

Never ever ever ever ever ever EVER!!!!

I am really kind of actually stupid.

NEVER take 15 credits when several of them are performance classes, you're working full time, you don't have a car, you're trying to keep a choir going, you actually plan on getting sleep, and you don't know how to NOT have a social life... it'll end up in failure. But at least I learned one thing... to never ever ever EVER to it again! Hurray for being a part time student next semester! That way I can focus more on saving up for a car, actually passing my classes, improving my ward choir and their experience with me, my dating life (as if), and my new MENTOR position! =D

Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll get a supervisor position or get married in the near future and then I won't have to worry about school anymore! hahaha! That'll be the day ;)

How to Love

I'm not sure how I'm feeling on the current topic at hand. Everywhere I look I see people pairing off; getting together. Couples are taking over my life. I see engagement pictures and big honkin' rings all over Facebook. All I hear from my friends is cutsie stories about them and their significant others. It's not that this bothers me, I'm way happy for everyone out there that is able to find that special someone for them; I wish them all the happiness in the world and I'm always willing to listen to their stories because I've been there and I know how they feel. But it gets old when you feel like you're the only person you know that doesn't have a "someone". Even my single friends have some "special" friend to flirt with and cuddle and kiss; they'll probably end up being couples soon enough. I miss having that one person that's always there and that can always make me happy. No amount of crushes can make up for liking one guy that likes you back.
But at the same time, not any guy will do. No, he needs to be the perfect guy for me; my best friend, fitting everything on my list, and wanting to be with me too. Thanks to a certain someone, the bar has been set extremely high and I won't settle for anything less. This is one of the reasons why it's very difficult to escape the "single" status. Also, I have no time to spend with anyone to find out if they do make the cut. I'm not close enough with anyone to even consider them as a companion. Right now I'm basically dating my school, my band, and my job... Which is fine with me.
I miss being in a relationship, but I'm not freaking out to be in one again; if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. I also enjoy single life and being independent. Mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey couples kind of gross me out anyway. I'm also fed up with people trying to play match maker; I'll find a guy on my own; on my own time, with my own taste, and in my own way because he will be my own boyfriend. I'm only 19! There's no hurry, seriously! It's also kind of fun being about to flirt around and get samples to find what I'm looking for. No one can ever get on my case about "cheating" just because I have a flirty personality.

Who knows... Maybe the reason I'm so disgustingly single is because I'm suppose to be waiting for my "soul mate". Maybe it's even someone I already know. Maybe that's why I'm ok with being so single; I know MY guy is out there and AZ just needs him more right now; he'll be back soon enough. Like I said before, I'm only 19, I'm in no hurry. Maybe I'm subconsciously making myself un-dateable for that very reason. Or maybe HE's not really the one for me and this just isn't my luckiest round of the dating game. Especially since all the guys that I do start to like and hang out with get taken or turn into total douches. Players, losers, idiots, babies, immature old fogies, fickle brats, clueless boys, you name it, I've had the worse possible luck with guys ever since I broke up with Devin. Several of the guys I've liked have even ended up being gay... like I said, really bad luck... And all the guys that like me are creepers and/or ridiculously awkward.

So I'm completely torn between wanting to be in a relationship really bad and being completely revolted by the very thought... it's getting really obnoxious. Hopefully eventually I'll figure out How (and who) to Love <3

Help Me!!!!!!

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up... let me show you a break down of my day and the time spent on everything in a week...

hours in a week-168

breakdown:
getting ready-7 hours
at school- 21 hours
at work- 42 hours
at church-5 hours
travel-10 hours
practicing clarinet- 10 hours
homework- 10 hours
sleep-50 hours

total: 155 hours

And this is just if i'm being extremely efficient, which I'm not a lot of the time... But that means I have 13 free hours in my entire week. that's less than 2 hours a day. And that's because I'm still not practicing my clarinet as much as I should... my clarinet time should be between 14-35 hours... and homework should be at 20 at least... that's MORE hours than there are in a week, which is why 50 hours is extremely generous for sleep. This also leaves absolutely no time whatsoever for socializing. I'm still a teenage girl; I need to socialize; I need time to just sit, relax, and chill. It's not even midterm and I already think I'm going to collapse and fail at something. I never have time to read my textbooks or practice so I'm falling behind. I'm so determined to perform passably in band that I'm skipping other classes to get practice time in. This is making me suffer in my other classes. But what else can I do? Especially since most of the time that I am home is time when normal people are asleep, so it's not like I can get effective practice time in then.... I'm honestly thinking about just doing band next semester and working because that's something that I can handle.... It'll be better once I change my major, but that doesn't help me NOW. What should I do?! How am I suppose to survive these next couple months?! Thank goodness for tithing and the gospel <3

I'm Sorry

Dear clarinet instructor,

I would just like to apologize for being such a failure to you. It simply is not possible for me to live up to your expectations. I am taking 15 credits, working 40 hours a week, in 3 musical ensembles, staying active in church, called as ward chorister and choir director, and still need to be able to eat and sleep. I have pretty much given up my social life and my dating life is non-existent.
 I'm sorry but I just cannot practice my clarinet for 2-5 hours a day, I'm lucky if I pick it up at all some days. Not all of us work as clarinet instructors and music professors and, therefore, are not able to practice throughout the day at work like you can.
My parents do not support me at all; I am completely independent and pay for everything I do, including school. I do not have the budget for buying dozens of reeds a month, getting my clarinet checked out constantly, and I certainly do not have the dough for a new professional clarinet. I have lived on my own for over a year and have been able to stay out of debt and pay for everything up front and in full, I would like to keep it that way. It is not worth it to me to go into debt for a new instrument when I have one already that works just fine. The fact that you even mentioned the idea of me not working as much and taking out a loan for school and a new clarinet sent chills down my spine; you might as well have told me to start biting off my right arm.
I understand that these extreme measures are what it takes to make it in this ridiculously competitive field, and I know that there are people out there that can make it happen and it works for them... I am not one of them. I have realized, thanks to you, that I obviously do not have the time, funds, dedication, or talent that it takes to be a clarinetist or a music major and so, after this semester, I will be changing my major and I will no longer be the "weak link" thorn in your side that I know that I am. I will not waste any more of your time that you would much rather use for teaching more competent students or, even better, getting in some of your 5 hours of practice a day. I will never stop playing and I will never give up on music, but I just cannot stand having it as a major anymore.
I will work my butt off for the rest of the semester and I will try my hardest to improve on my clarinet as much as I possibly can and perfect the music that I have instructed to perform. I don't believe in dropping the ball and throwing people under the bus when they have entrusted me with responsibilities and are relying on me. However, after this semester, you will not have to hold your breath with the fear that I can't practice enough to perform adequately enough for you. I'll get out of your hair and out of your way. Thank you for your time and thank you for everything you have taught me this past year.


Sincerely yours,

Elementary Education major (music minor)

Beautiful to Him

Since I moved out of my house I have found myself worrying about the way I look more. Worrying about gaining weight, wondering if I'm pretty enough to be attractive to guys, dealing with silly trivial things like my clothes, the color of my hair, and if I should wear make up or not. But then I listened to this song that I absolutely love by Jenny Phillips:

So much noise
so much peace destroyed
i can hardly hear the voice
leading me through the void
just so much noise

the world's little lies
destruction in disguise
opportunities to compromise
to make me beautiful in their eyes
but i'm not going to buy
the world's little lies

cause i define myself and find my beauty in
the light he gives
i'm refined by his divine intentions every day i live
it doesn't matter what the world believes
or what they say that beauty means
it comes from within...
i wanna be beautiful to him.

he's given me his trust
so i'll be strong enough
to run from a dangerous touch
i don't need THAT kind of "love"
i don't need that crutch
he's given me his trust.

cause i define myself and find my beauty in 
the light he gives
i'm refined by his divine intentions every day i live
it doesn't matter what the world believes
or what they say that beauty means
it comes from within.....
i wanna be beautiful to him.

I know how to shine
my life's not really mine
it's not about a worldly climb
it's all about HIS design
so in his eyes...
i wanna shine.

cause i define myself and find my beauty in 
the light he gives
i'm refined by his divine intentions every day i live
it doesn't matter what the world believes
or what they say that beauty means
it comes from within...
i wanna be beautiful to him.

i want to live to have his peace
and feel the holiness he sees
it comes from within.....
i wanna be beautiful
to Him. 


This song helped me remember the precious truth that I had let get clouded up; that it doesn't matter if I look like a Barbie doll or Raggedy Ann doll. I am still a Daughter of My Heavenly Father and I am beautiful to Him. He loves me and thinks I'm beautiful whether I'm skinny as a twig, have perfect flowing hair, a smooth complexion, and I'm wearing the  trendiest clothes on the market, or if I'm kinda flabby, my hair's up in a ponytail, I've got a couple zits and I'm wearing a baggy t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I should be focusing more on my inner beauty. Conditioning my faith, keeping my knowledge of the gospel up to date, and making sure my spirit is beautiful. 


Also, that I shouldn't bother with whether boys think I'm hot or not. If a guy is really worth my while he will like me for my personality, testimony and what I have to offer. That will make me beautiful to him. NOT having a pound of make up on my face.


I'm not saying that this means that I don't think I have to take care of myself. I just shouldn't make my appearance be the center of my attention.




Focus your life around the Savior and be Beautiful to Him.